Flickering lights.

I remember the red lights embracing our bodies, the first time we kissed. It reached the darkest corners of your tiny room, sealed the darkness with lust and something we might have considered as love.

That light has faded now. That light no longer embraces our naked bodies against a squeaking matters. Now the walls of your room, no longer veiled in red reveal the torn paint falling onto the ground. I knock on your door hoping to see that red light once again. I hear voices coming from inside, but it’s not yours. Not ours. I walk past your door once more and the infamous fumes blur my sight. I lose control. I trip. I fall. My speech stumbles upon meaningless thoughts. My mind is wired, threaded by confusion. Dazed by a red light that is no longer bright and I guess we didn’t set of right from the start and lust could only take us so far.

I try to hold on the feeling, anchoring myself to an incessant pain. A feeling which, is so well know to me now, I’d feel lonely if it left. A feeling so daunting and scary, so dug up into my guts. A feeling I will never get rid off. A loyal companion.

My dearest solitude,

Your cold touch pierces through my skin, sucking into my pale bones and I shall love you.

Love you till the day that I’m back to live.

Lone Pigeon 

I make my way through the hollow street. Everyone awake but me. Wine in my right wing, annihilation in the other.

I drink, until the dreariness drownes my flight.  I drink. Drink enough to make the joy embrace my sight.

The streets feel kind as I press my tumbling feet against the ground. At once it’s just me.

Me and the earth, surrounded by the bitter sweet breeze of winter mornings, rushing through my feathers. 

As I walk through the hollow streets, I see a pigeon lying on the floor. Her wings spread open as if it were an angel, silhouetted on the ground. 

I contemplate it- dead. No angel. No life. No heaven. Just my feathers blending into the ground.

Alien to my sleep I gaze at my corpse; my soul wedded to the wind, rising above a frozen body I no longer recognise as mine. 

I exhale myself into the breath of the air. Into the breath of our sulphurous world. I’m free. 

I am dead. 

P.S sorry for the being cliché 

The Fairies

Water the lilies in the pond, gone

Make their stems grow green and fond

Let them bloom, siting on their own

Pour them gin; the fairies are gone

Hear the singing, dead and gone?

C’est la sirène wailing in the dawn

Come to me fairies, water the buds

Make my smile shine upon the studs.

And as the sun gazed, over the stones,

Her soul sank, into the unknown

Torn her cave, une catastrophe

Now only soldiers, hear her wailing,

When there is no one left sailing

Only the fairies, feeding the ailing.

Just someting I wrote yesturday late at night.

Whiskers

Adam stuffed the last piece of flesh into his mouth. Outside, the heavy dawn fog damped Jena’s clothes hanging on the drying line. As the sun rose behind the trees, flares of light shone upon the rusty metal doors, softly painted red. Adam observed the aurora glimmering through the window of the warehouse. When a beeping noise went off. The processor. Still blind focused on the                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      blood puddles outside, an interrupted shady laugh started to sprout from the deepest corner of his nicotine diaphragm. A bark.

[To be continued…]

Society Killed her Vibe

It was the day Ronald died, that everything changed.
 Depression the doctor said. “nothing too serious. Nothing too bad”

Great she thought he’d know what to do with me.

“Take anti-depressants. One in the morning. Two at night”

 Ignorant.

 It was just couple of years ago now, flags still weaver at half-mast. No one yet remembers.

 It was Sunday morning the sky was the canvas of the awakening city. The sun rose shyly, blushing behind the buildings as wind swirled statically through the bald trees. 

 Kelly the social worker was at the corner of the street, when the sound of a gunshot broke the airs electric silence. She wasn’t on duty that day and she had sworn to God nothing would stop her from taking her day off. But as she heard the fired artillery, her phone slipped through her fingers from sheer panic. There it was. Her phone. Smashing on the floor. #R.I.P.

 At once everything became meaningless. Life was meaningless. #Depressed #NoPhone. What else had she to lose? and thereupon she thought, she’d walk towards the skeleton, of the old building, left through the street of Oregon.

 When Kelly arrived, the smell of decaying flowers invaded her nostrils. Debating whether to walk inside or walk along; again she thought, what else am I to lose? I have no phone, anymore. And so she opened the door, letting the fragrance of rotten roses wash off her mascara and her upholstered face. Thank god I have no phone, no pictures of me can be done.

 Overwhelmed by her senses, she noticed a trail of pillboxes on the floor, which sung a melody of angels. Follow me, drink me. There’s no need to plea. I’m your glee. The deeper she walked into the house the more dishevelled it became. Empty bottles, lit the floor and shone upon the walls.

 At the end of the aisle a dim light travelled through the grime, light that trailed Kelly to the door. Opening the door, she found an old lady, lying in bed. Ciara – her name carved on the top, of the mahogany headboard. She’s dead, Kelly thought, she’s dead! Presto Presto! Call the cops. #WTF. Kelly urged to pick up the phone but as she dialled 911, Ciara grabbed her thumb “You. You, look what you’ve done”.

#O M G, what have I done? 

 Awakening. Hospital.

 As she woke up from her stupor,

She found herself in a nursing home

A nurse came in to change her diapers

But all she saw was a horned viper

 

Suck my beauty

Suck my youth

Post it on your instabooth

 

Shooting up she ran the hall

Unaware of the doctors drawl

On her way she kidnapped,

Seven children from the ward

 

Suck your beauty

Suck your youth

Let me guide you to the truth

 

But before she could prevail

Death came and tipped her scale

 

Now those kids will never know

The truth of the venerable.

 It was the day Ronald died that everything changed. No job, No education. “I will always be by your side; till death do us part”. 

But eventually when, death did them part, there was no one left to guard.  

Not Ronald, not her disease only the neglect of her pleas.

 #SocietyKilledHerVibe

Cradle your home


Death. How do you feel when you’re dead? Really, there’s no one to describe it and yet everyone goes babbling on about how they feel dead on the inside, but do they? I’m not dead, though I will eventually die, for now I’m simply decaying.

Nostalgia makes it worse, makes me feel a sense of grief in my soul. Hollow.

She sits by my side sometimes, stroking my mind until I fall asleep in the arms of an illusion and suddenly I’m back, back to those winter days faking illness. Mother would give me hot soup and cradle me under the tenuous flames of an imperial fireplace and read until my worries drained away.

Love enraptured my heart and blindfolded my eyes. I was fourteen. Mother hated him. He was a man of the night she said. He’ll do you harm. She was wrong. Still is. Wrong. From one day to the next, the Danse Macabre followed her like the sun’s icy shadow. She became the devil. Shattered all the delicate architecture of my memories, replacing them with screams, hysteria, punishments and eventually silence. This was worse. She did not care anymore, turned her back on her daughter. Me.  She invited me to leave and so I did. I collected all of my belongings and headed towards my sentence.

Death. I presumed it was winter; the cold floor stabbed the flesh tightly glued to my bones. The wind whistled through the water pipes echoing a ghostly symphony of embittered prosperity.

At the back of my eyes I can still see those mellow summer days laying by his side as the heat pushed down our naked bodies onto the couch siphoning our energy away as he wrapped his limbs around mine. I felt so safe, I felt free. The dope would free my spirit from worry, it gave me the strength to return to my parents’ house every night and fake a smile.

But I was far away, in a land buried under black snow and black fur coats. No fairy tale, no candy cane pillows and of course no Prince Charming. Howling chants of misery came shrieking from the other Shlyukhi and pealed like insistent church bells against the floor, echoing through the walls. Yet, if I closed my eyes tight enough, not to hear, I could feel the enchanting nutcracker dancing inside my heart from the ballet hall across the street.

Escape dominated my thoughts. Another chance to make things work. In a radiant yellow parlour the breeze will caress the silk white curtains, making the bluebells tingle and we will feel the pure ecstasy, joy. My castle on a cloud. It’s funny, how my entire life turns amongst running away and how going back was all I wished for then.

Drowned in my own mattress, I felt exhausted.  Katarina my only confidant here lay by my side, on her mattress. We felt pity for the others but wouldn’t share with them. Survival. Mere existence.

I told her my idea, I told her I yearned for her to come with me, but was too scared. Too scared to die living.

“Ya’ wanna make’em kill me? We’ll get slaughtered, If we even try to step a foot out tha’ door, ya’ gonna have ta look for ‘nother one. Now go ta sleep”

Tears yielded freely and caressed my cheeks as reassurance everything would be okay. My eyelids fell heavily on my eyes dampening my eyelashes. Releasing my mind from the foreign world where I was stuck in, feeling, for a short lapse of time, fully free.

Waking to the beat of ammunition hitting the ceiling became the morning routine. Sometimes I even wished for one of those Kalashnikovs to put a bullet straight through my skull. But today was different. As I peeked through the side of my rheumy eyes, Katarina wasn’t there. The girls flittered around like beheaded hens. But Katarina, Katarina wasn’t there. I forced my body to stand up and rushed to the main floor. I could hear screaming from the corridor, the sound of leather cracking into human flesh.

At the end of the room, Katarina held herself up.  Her knees cringed with every bash, her teeth clenched and her blistering back oozed increasingly with every lament. A force pushed my spine onto the ground. Suddenly the air felt heavy, burning. Everything felt dreary as I pulled my head up trying to understand what was going on, someone grabbed my hair, dragging me across the room.

Master kneeled down; he stroked my cheek, enjoying every millimetre of my velvety skin. The only part of my body remaining untouched. For some reason if we were still beautiful there was no sickness to what they did.

“Sofia, Sofia, always liked to act like a hero… After two years under my custody you’re still battling against my authority” his lips felt moist as he articulated the words, the vicious taste reverberated inside my eardrum.  “ You know what this means don’t you my little girl?” He made me nauseous. Oh god how much I wanted to make him suffer my authority, crawl to my feet begging me to stop. But then I wouldn’t. I would make him feel like an ublyudok, a bastard, all he ever deserved.

I was scared, of course, I was scared. I was fighting against the behemoth. I had to be intelligent, cautious. I was already risking enough. Katarina, I felt sorry for her she was going to moulder in that dump. I’d said I’d try to get her out of there if I ever got to escape. I hadn’t promised it though; I didn’t know whether I would even want anything to do with this again.

Would Jim remember me? It had only been two years, but would he? Suddenly my heart flooded with expectations. I felt the rush of adrenaline tingling in my stomach. I was ready. I had the metal bar. I’d studied the possible exits. I was ready.

I was in the ventilation system. The Artic cold made the tips of my fingers burn beneath my skin: I was starting to lose sense of my extremities when I recognized a familiar voice. I re-played its timbre in my brain again. Shivering in fear I glanced down through the grille and then I saw him. Jim. A drill burrowed into my stomach, my heart was being torn apart, my throat constricted suffocating my breath. Then all at once the pain floated away making me feel so light, so pure, my spirit laid harmoniously on the cold metal tube. I could imagine that’s what babies feel inside their mother wombs.

Black. My sore mind was blasting inside my skull. That motherfucker had sold me out; he had taken advantage of my vulnerability. I felt a rush of heat radiating out through the pores of my face. I felt so stupid, so simple, so shallow.

It was already quite late, I could feel the temperature rising and the birds chanting from the other side of the ventilation system. I didn’t have much time left before they’d realise I had escaped. As quickly as possible I slid towards liberty. I could see it, the racked faint aurora; my eyes swelled with a cascade of joyful tears. My body glided across like a blue heron and faced the rack that separated me from the street. I was there. I removed the rack.

There was a guard standing in front of the brothel, just one. Idiot. I scored the metal bar I’d been carrying, aimed it at the top of his head, hoping it would be sharp enough, to pierce inside, rupturing everything as the skull caved in. It was. I jumped over his prostrate body and ran, ran, ran.

I ran. Not even checking if I were chased or not. I reached the first metro station, hoping to find a policeman. Nothing. I went up to a man, begged him to buy me a ticket. He glared at me in repugnance as if I were viral. I started sobbing in frustration; my moans increased finally erupting into an incessant cry, a desperate plea. Suddenly a girl a beautiful little girl pulled the side of my dress allowing me to notice her kind green eyes as she gave me a ticket with her soft, baby-like hands before she ran back and to buried her face into her mother’s coat. A flash of memory darted through my mind. Poor little fool.

I had returned to the cradle of my misery. Yet so different now, humane; comfortably sitting by the fireplace, It truly felt like home. It wasn’t my home but yet, a home. I reported everything to the police-the brothel, the beatings, the slavery. Mother and Father insisted. However, who in this harmonious world would believe my dissonant figure? Chained to a far away reality where white would always be shaded grey.

I read about us in the papers, Brothel Burnt to ashes by the Black Hand, Blazed in glorious freedom. I nostalgically thought about Katarina, of our midnight talks and our shared secrets. Our unconscious support. My psychologist insisted that I shouldn’t blame myself for leaving her behind. I didn’t.